Dave on Demand: The television week in review
I get the e-mails all the time: “Dave, you handsome devil, what do think are the best TV shows of all time?”
It’s a good question, one I promise to tackle some week when I am in a more Pollyannish mood. This, let me assure you, is not that week.
Instead here’s a list of some of the “worst” series ever. I’m not talking about the stinkers that were put out of their misery after a couple of episodes or even a full season. That’s too easy.
No, I mean the avoid-at-all-costs atrocities that still inexplicably got renewed year after year.
My bottom 10:
“Green Acres.” Patently, offensively stupid. The best character on the show was Arnold the pig. Worse than “Petticoat Junction”? Incredibly, yes.
“The Love Boat.” The perfect accompaniment to the disco era: shiny happy junk.
“Mama’s Family.” Unrelenting insult humor. Crude and nasty. But it’s the only reason “Charles in Charge” and “Too Close for Comfort” aren’t on this list.
“Touched by an Angel.” A single smarmy plot premise repeated endlessly. If heaven is, indeed, stocked with the likes of Roma Downey, Della Reese and John Dye, then Lucifer, here I come.
“According to Jim.” This empty, imbecilic sitcom simply would not go away. Jim Belushi made Alan Thicke look like a comic genius.
“Star Trek: Enterprise.” To meekly go where four series have gone before. Only cheaper, with less imagination and a lousy cast.
“America’s Next Top Model.” Two words that will live in TV infamy: Tyra Banks.
“Sex and the City.” Prentenious, unrealistic, materialistic twaddle, featuring one of the most annoying casts ever assembled.
“Ghost Whisperer.” You’d whisper, too, if your plots were this hackneyed and predictable. Jennifer Love Hewitt has a one-note acting range: deer caught in the headlights.
“True Blood.” A stupid overheated premise. Like Alan Ball’s previous series, “Six Feet Under,” it’s astoundingly self-important and smug. (I’m assuming this creepy Cajun cage-match will be with us for a while.)
Alright, people, let’s hear it: which shows would you put in TV’s Hall of Shame?
_Remind you of anyone? I hope this “Tonight Show” gig works out for Conan O’Brien. Because as we’ve seen the past few weeks, he’s a terrible impersonator.
His Jay Leno sounds Mike Tyson and his Arnold Schwarzenegger resembles the Cookie Monster.
_Now hear this. Did you catch USA vs. Brazil in the FIFA Confederations Cup final? Disappointing result. Headache inducing telecast.
The entire match was drowned out by a deafening buzz. It sounded like it was being played inside an angry amplified bee hive. (In the 33d minute, the cameras finally revealed that the piercing noise was created by rabid Brazilian fans with plastic horns.)
Not that the din made you miss much. Soccer announcers, more than most sportscasters, do little more than describe what you’re looking at. Thank you for stating the obvious.
But doesn’t ESPN have baffles for their microphones?
_Welcome to the Titanic. The most desolate place on TV is Saturday nights during the summer. That’s where “Eli Stone” is playing out its string. But because I consider it the most surprising and amusing legal series since “Ally McBeal,” I’ve been sticking with this dead-series-walking.
This week it had a remarkable roster of guest stars, including Jamey (”Chicago Hope”) Sheridan, Kerr (”Dawson’s Creek”) Smith and a bearded James (”24″) Morisson.
All in a losing cause.
_Wait for the bobblehead. Fun moment on CBS’s “Early Show” this week as Harry Smith interviewed unlikely box-office king Shia LaBouef.
Smith displayed all the robot toys from “Terminator” and then the lilliputian likeness of Shia’s character.
“How about that little guy?” riffed LaBouef. “Like a Josh Groban. It’s like Screech. It’s like my Screech action hero. Thanks, Hasbro.”
Well played, young man.
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David Hiltbrand: dhiltbrand@phillynews.com
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